2013: A Year in Review and Looking Ahead

Another year, gone. As tradition dictates since 2009 it is once again time to reflect on the previous year; to stop and take stock for both the purpose of remembering, and for the purpose of planning.

2013 was a tough, tough year. Of course, it had some very high notes, for which I am tremendously grateful! But as a whole, it was stressful and emotional to an alarming degree. I fear that perhaps maybe I did take on a bit too much this year (although I vehemently denied it all year). Or perhaps the constant effort of quitting smoking affected my moods and chemical make-up coupled with what were maybe normal stresses? Perhaps this year I have been suffering from depression...? I honestly and truly don't know. But considering I gained 20 pounds this past year even though I worked out more than ever and didn't change my eating habits (that much - I have been quitting smoking and probably stress eating) I can't help but believe that my body was in a fairly constant state of fight or flight and storing fat and energy as if it were under attack. I have been stressed all year, from beginning to end and for various reasons, and coming off of a stressful 2012 as well.

I think it was just too much (two promotions at work, weddings, school, responsibilities to my writing group) and I'm only realizing this all now. Now that the semester is over and the holidays are over and I'm finding myself with a wee break (with the exception of one more deadline), I'm noticing that I've just been constantly adjusting to everything I "had" to do, and really hanging on by a thread. I accomplished everything (and to my usual high standard), but I fear that I did so at the expense of my well being. There was just nothing left at the end of the day.

I am seriously hoping that is why I have been crying and feeling depressed nearly every single day. For some reason, especially the past few months, I am feeling too much and thinking too much. So much so that I started talking to someone about it in September. Something isn't right. And I don't like the person I was this past year.

I can't keep living like this. It would be impossible to look back on 2013 without acknowledging all of this, as it was the near-constant shadow cast over the year, and without planning some sort of defense for the coming year. I can only hope that everything I have been feeling is some basket weave of stress and quitting smoking that will loosen its grip on my mind and body.

Which is why I am acknowledging that here now and practicing identifying these feelings, sending them love and gratitude, and then sending them on their way.

I quit smoking, finally, in 2013. As of today, I am cigarette free 30 days! For whatever weight I've gained and whatever emotional turbulence I have put myself through as a result of quitting and failing over and over and withdrawal from cigarettes, I am grateful because I feel free. Year after year after year I have tried and failed to quit smoking and finally, FINALLY, I don't have to quit smoking today or write those words on the top of my resolutions list. For all of this, I am so grateful.

Later this month I will begin my final semester at Saint Joseph's University! It has NOT been easy, but in May I will don a cap and gown and FINALLY get my elusive Bachelors Degree with all manner of pomp and circumstance and I will have achieved a major accomplishment. For all the stress, late nights, early mornings and deadlines, I am so grateful. I am a smarter, more confident woman because of my education and I am proud of myself for my stellar grades.

I had the honor, as Matron of Honor, to stand beside my best friend Jess on her wedding day this past June. The Bridal Shower was wonderful, if I do say so myself, the bachelorette party an absolute blast and the wedding was beautiful. Most beautiful of all was the Bride. I was so happy to be a part of it all.

The Bride and Matron of Honor at the Shower

As for travel and leisure, our annual week-long vacation with the Cape May Crew became a long weekend instead. It was super fun, as always, however we did not take our annual photo in front of Kelly's Pub unfortunately. As best as we try to keep traditions, sometimes they're just not possible... the photo that should be here below this paragraph is missed.

Speaking of traditions, we did maintain our Oktoberfest tradition and breathed some fresh life into it adding a new game and some new faces (but more on that in a moment). It was a great time, or so I'm told since I blacked out pretty early (woops). I'm told I was a hoot and a great host so thank goodness for that.

In August I went out to Washington (the second time in 8 months) for a 3rd big brother/little sister adventure (the last before Doug sets out with Kristin on their round the world bicycle tour). We headed out to Doug's favorite part of Washington, the Cascade Mountains, Methow Valley and Winthrop. We spent a couple days just hanging out, hiking, and riding bikes in Stehekin, a community nestled in the North Cascades only accessible by boat, plane, or foot. It was a wonderful experience for a city gal like me and one I will never forget. Not only did I get to experience nature and the beautiful views and a few days of unplugged living, but the time spent with my brother was so wonderful. Drinking coffee and talking for hours in the lodge after a morning of hiking, reading together at the bakery, playing a game at night enjoying a few beers, reading each other's stories... all with the most amazing backdrop imaginable. It was a wonderful trip.

Hanging out near Agnes Gorge

Crossing off item #59 on my bucket list, I finally saw Pearl Jam. It was a great show and wonderful to see them after being a fan for twenty years.

For all that we gained, we also suffered some losses. Mike lost his job in the fall and was unemployed for four weeks. He's back to work now, but not happy so we'll see what the New Year brings. We also lost two very special people, Mike's Grandma Stephanie and our good friend's dad, Mr. Kobryn. They will both be missed.

But when God closes doors, he opens windows and he opened a big one, one that let in a tremendous amount of light, in August when I met April, and Mike and I gained an entire family into our lives who live just a few doors down.

I was out walking one day when a woman I had waved to countless times since we moved here said that if I ever wanted someone to go walking with that she would like to go. I said sure and right then we set up a date and time to walk. I didn't even know her name. I met her in front of her house a few days later and we introduced ourselves and that was it - we were very fast friends. We started walking regularly then a few weeks later we had the family over and Mike and April's husband Joe hit it off splendidly and their kids, Joey and Angelina, are so wonderful and sweet. It's been amazing and we are so happy to have made such wonderful friends.

We took in the New Year with our new friends and it was great. It's funny how sometimes you have no idea what's missing until you find it and then you have no idea how you got by all this time without it. I guess everything happens for a reason. The universe works... and somehow always knows the perfect time to step in.

So that's 2013 in a nutshell. One last highlight; I wrote more in 2013 than I have in years (and I don't mean for school). That's something I really want to continue focusing on in 2014. I am realizing just how good it is for me, mentally, to get things out of me. I may even get to see two of my stories in print... but more on that in a later post.

My number one first and foremost goal for 2014 is quite simple but very hard: I want to be kinder to myself (and by extension to Mike and my Mom). I was not kind to myself in 2013. Maybe that's another reason I have been so sad... But that is going to change.

There are so many other more specific goals I could write about, but I realize now that they all fall under being kinder to myself. Allowing myself to do the things I have been wanting to do (like taking surfing lessons this summer), taking my weight off in a loving way, rather than starving myself and winding up being resentful, giving myself permission to say no more often, making meditation more of a priority as a gift to myself, being a better wife, a better daughter... all these things will come if I can just be kinder to myself. And I started today. After taking several hours to write all of this down for myself, I already feel better. I'm learning what works for me. A lot of people say it's best to keep your eyes forward, but as the name of this blog indicates, I think reflection is critical in order to move ahead. We need to know where we've been in order to plan for where we're going...

...and I'm moving forward in 2014.

Happy New Year!

2012: A Year in Review

And yet another year, Gone.

Keeping with tradition, it is time to reflect back on the closing year in order to remind myself of all that's happened and what I have done and achieved. I love New Year's. I have no use for rubbing shoulders with strangers anymore or fighting for a drink. In fact, this year Mike and I will again stay home with a wonderful spread of snacks and a lovely seafood and risotto dinner, as well as some good beer and wine.

What I truly love about the new year is the fresh start. For the first time in three months I feel rested and refreshed. The social calendar has slowed and it's the perfect time to refocus my energy on the goals I was not able to achieve this past year, and really focus on what I want 2013 to be like.

After reviewing 2011's Year in Review post I see that 2011 and 2012 were very different, whereas 2011 was a year of planning and new challenges and ventures, and 2012 was largely a year of execution and settling in and adjusting to those new ventures.

I started school in January at Saint Joseph's University. I would say that the majority of my stress this past year has stemmed from school in one form or another. But I am extremely proud of wrapping up my first year with a 4.0, which will surely only add increased pressure and stress this coming year. Yet I have decided I like the ring 4.0 has to it so I will continue to try my very best to maintain it.

I managed to start the year out right with a five-mile race on New Year's Day. Although I did not achieve a single one of my 2012 resolutions, I have achieved, finally, consistent exercise. After years of practice, I consistently kept active throughout the year with only brief and sporadic periods of inactivity. That's a huge accomplishment, and now simply part of the routine. I also ran Broad Street again, a 10-mile race in Philly, this past May in honor of my 30th birthday. I finished in 1:55:37, shaving a whopping 17 minutes off my time from 2010.

Speaking of my birthday, I turned 30 in style with a Big Birthday BBQ Bash that Mike and I threw at home. It was a blast and I avoided feeling all of the 'boo-hoo I'm 30' nonsense. I reflected on turning the big 3-0 here.

In August, I decided to do something I have always wanted to and signed up for private one-on-one swim lessons. I love swimming so much and I certainly have a knack for it, I've discovered. It is now one of my favorite things to do and I look forward to building up my endurance in 2013.

As for travel and leisure, this year I was fortunate enough to take three vacations, which is totally awesome! In July, Mike and I went to Cape May again with our usual crew for our 4th Annual week in Cape May. The house we rented was huge and had decks and porches everywhere, the weather was great and we had an awesome pool again conducive to hours of pool volleyball. Overall, it was extremely relaxing and we had a great time.

Labor Day Weekend, I took my Mom out to Colorado to see my brother, Joey. I had never been out there so that was really cool. It was great getting to see Joe and where he lives. We hung out in Louisville, Boulder, and Longmont hitting up five breweries (Lililkoi Kepolo at Avery is still the best beer I have ever had) and countless bars. We went hiking and also drove up the highest paved road in N. America, Mount Evans Road, to 14,240 feet. The temperature was in the 80's when we set out and in the 20's at the summit. It was freezing and the drive up was terrifying thanks to my fear of heights and lack of shoulder and guard rails.

Lastly, Mike and I got to spend Christmas in Washington state with my brother, Doug, and sister-in-law, Kristin. What an incredible way to wrap up the year! We truly had an awesome time and made so many memories and got to have so many new experiences. We went to a Seahawks game (it really is as loud as they say it is), ate Moroccan food on Christmas Eve, went snow tubing on Christmas, spent time in Seattle and just laughed our heads off and got to catch up and talk. A lot. I always take away so much more than memories from my visits with Doug and Kristin and my trips out to the Pacific Northwest.

The only major change we experienced this year was an incredible blessing. Mike started a new job after eight years of being with the same company and becoming increasingly unhappy. For the first time since I have known Mike, he is off weekends. This is a total game-changer and the entire quality of our marriage has improved and best of all, he is a happier man, which makes everyone around him happier.

This past year we also maintained our Oktoberfest tradition despite an extremely busy fall. As we and our friends all get older I think it is increasingly important that we maintain these traditions because it would be all too easy not to see one another without events that bring us all together. We are happy to do our part and provide another reason to come together.

This past November we saw two of our dearest friends, Roman and Danielle, tie the knot. Mike was overjoyed to be named Best Man and I was thrilled to be a bridesmaid. The wedding provided many festivities including a fabulous bridal shower in July, bachelor and bachelorette parties in the fall, all leading up to truly fantastic wedding, which included a weekend in a beautiful hotel with many great friends. Overall, their nuptials were great cause for celebration; a whole lot of it, and we are thrilled for them.

Also this past November, Mike and I hosted our very first Thanksgiving and I loved every second of it, particularly the planning and prep. It was a huge success - the house looked gorgeous, the tablescape was stunning and the food was delicious. I very much hope to do it again next year. Thanksgiving, a holiday I didn't care much for, is now possibly my favorite. I guess as long as I can do it my way. ;-)

Overall, 2012 was great. After all, we had one another, a roof over our heads, pillows under them, food in our bellies, and our family, friends and Cooper. Life has been good to us and we are fortunate enough to do many things.

I wish all of my friends and loved ones a wonderful 2013 free from pain and full of love, accomplishments, and good fortune. Cheers.

And now for those resolutions...

On Turning 30.......

Today is the eve of my 30th birthday and I’d like to take a moment to reflect on what this means to me, and how I am feeling as I achieve this milestone. The past several years have been really excellent, my 29th year being no exception as I hit the trifecta of new home, job and school. I’ve been running a lot more races and weigh less today than I have throughout the past 3-4 years. I am faster and more active than I have ever been in my adult life and although I have been thinner, I don’t think I’ve ever been healthier. I feel good and I am quite pleased with where I am at this point in my life.

This week I have been burdened by homework and have had little time for self-reflection, yet fortunately my work has necessitated reflection. I have been learning Aristotle’s Nicomachean Ethics; what he believes happiness is and what it takes to achieve it. One of my tasks was to write about what I believe happiness is. This lead me to contemplate how I define happiness, whether or not I am happy, and how I may be happier in my 30th year.

I am pleased to say that my happiness has increased consistently over the past several years. I believe this comes with age and experience and having an understanding of what makes us happy. I pro-actively seek pleasure, work to improve myself, and my life, to be happier, and to avoid that which does not bring me happiness. Aristotle believes happiness comes with maturity and I agree. I have learned so much about others, life, and most importantly, myself. With this knowledge I feel armed to make better choices and to ultimately live a better life, resulting in a level of happiness.

I often question what the point of living is if you’re not working toward something. I believe it is important we strive for self-actualization although there is no way of ever achieving it. There are a great many things I will continue to work toward this year (my degree, running faster, losing more weight, being a more patient person, improving my home and finances) and there are many improvements to be made (you’re 30 now – STOP SMOKING FOR GOOD ALREADY!). But it is so much easier to do these things feeling that I am not “behind”. I am not overwhelmed by what I want to do because I am always aware of where I’ve been, where I am, and where I am headed.

Ten years ago I felt hopeless, depressed; I was a failure and only valued myself as others valued, or didn’t, value me. I was lost; not good for anything.

Today I am a strong, intelligent, independent woman. I am a good wife to a wonderful man, a great mom (to the most perfect dog in the world), a good daughter and sister, good friend, and a contributing member to society.

In the future I seek to be great.

I am excited about beginning the next chapter of my life. There is a little trepidation in the big 3-0 though, I must admit. Although I have been an adult for several years, now it just seems so much more “official”. Don’t get me wrong - I still plan to call my mother in tears when I’m upset, but there’s something about “30” that says we need to get our retirement plans in order, and get annual physicals and start being really vigilant about our health. The biological clock is also out of the closet. It’s not on the nightstand yet, but it’s in the room. And although this brings me great sadness to think and write, it is also time to really stop taking people for granted, like my Mom for example, because you just never know how much time you have.

But enough of that. 30 is also just another number. This Saturday I will celebrate 30 right with a big bash amongst my parents and friends. I will kick things off with awesome over-indulgence and memory-making. The scene of the first page of the next chapter will be my backyard and the main character of the story will be 30 and drunk. I couldn’t ask for a better beginning and I can’t wait to see what she does next.

Stay tuned.

2011: A Year in Review

Another year, gone.

As I reflect back on 2011, I am forced to put my humility aside and declare that yes, 2011 was truly a banner year; one to be immensely proud of.

The year started slow and stressful with Mike and I immersed in the housing market coming off our wedding in late 2010. In the Spring I applied to school and began searching for a new job, ready to move on from my current position after 7 years. We found a house and began making preparations then things moved at lightning speed and feel as if they have only slowed down now, just in time for the start of a new year.

A quick and lovely birthday trip to North Carolina to visit with my brother in May kicked things off. Then we were consumed by moving preparations and finances until June when we closed on our house. Then it was two weeks of living in two places and working around the clock to prepare the new house for moving into. Once we moved in the work continued for two weeks until we went on our annual vacation to Cape May with great friends. Somewhere in there we braved a BBQ, which was just lunacy in hindsight, but hey, people wanted to see the house.



We worked hard through August and I participated in the race of my life early September, my biggest accomplishment to date, which you can read about here.



I started a new job three days later, September 14, and got accepted to Saint Joseph's University within the week. Of course by now I was begging Mike to be careful every time he stepped out of the house and calling my Mother just to tell her I love her certain that the shoe would drop at any second. This run of good fortune was leaving me skeptical and nervous.

We picked up the pace on the house again so that it would be ready for our "Annual Oktoberfest Party in Honor of Mike's Birthday". It came down to the wire. We finished painting the dining room hours before the table was delivered, exactly one week before the party. Our first big party in our own home went off without a hitch, if you exclude my having possibly been "over-excited". Nearly every one of our greatest friends plus many more were there and after that the house felt properly christened.

Another race in November and a quick two and a half day trip to Cape May with my Mom to cross something off her bucket list and an extremely busy social life brings us to the present. Mike and I went to New York, together, for the first time in our relationship. We got to see the Giants destroy the Jets live on Christmas Eve.







In summary, 2011 was the year we bought a house, I switched jobs, got accepted to University, and ran the race of my life, which I am happy to say I will be participating in again this July. It's the year I joined a writing group, my Mom's knees were replaced, my best friend got engaged, and I went to my very last Harry Potter film.

Now we're feeling tired and eager to bring in the new year alone in our house playing a new video game. I'll wake up January 1, 2012 and participate in a five mile race to start things off strong. 2012 will be a healthy and fun year now that there's no wedding to plan, house to buy or career move to work toward. This year will really be about Mike, myself, and the two of us together (with Cooper). We both have big plans for ourselves that have had to take a back seat and now we're eager to spend more energy focusing on ourselves.

Cheers.

The Trunk at the Foot of my Bed

At the foot of my bed sits a trunk. It has sat at the foot of my bed, wherever that bed may have been, for the past fourteen years. In this trunk sits my memories.

This past weekend I tackled the arduous task of sorting through my memories. I feared opening that lid would be similar to that of Pandora's box. I worried that lifting the hefty stack of journals strewn across the bottom would result in my sitting back against the trunk, opening, reading, remembering. I envisioned laughing at my 12 year old self and her professions of love to boys I can't place, even after reading my own painstakingly detailed descriptions. I would cry for my fourteen year old self living too far from home in a cold condominium. I would resent my sixteen year old self for her cruelty to her mother. And I would fear for my twenty year old self and what lay before her in the coming year. Lastly, my breath would catch at all the thousands of memories I've since forgotten hidden amongst those pages. And I would inevitably alternate rage with tears.

There was just no need to face any of this. Not now.

So I approached the trunk with ambivalence, but also a sense of purpose. I flipped the pages of a random journal, my foreign handwriting looking insecure, as if it was only whispering its thoughts. I picked up another and read the inside cover and couldn't refrain from whispering a hurtful "fuck you" to the person whose left hand wrote the inscription. My penmanship in this journal was harsh, angry; like the straight edges of the words themselves could cut the reader. I didn't allow my eyes to form sentences, I only flipped the pages. I crossed the room to my end table to pick up my current journal. The hand writing is sloppy, rushed, but purposeful. My handwriting over the years tells a story in itself.

Journals stacked on the side, I lifted my baby blanket and found a large collection of papers sealed with twine in a plastic folder. With a sigh and a smile, I sat. For in that folder were my writings. Stories, poems, letters; it was all in there, even a few drawings. I don't have the heart to get rid of a single yellowed page, even though I understand it's just the musings of a young girl. I like to think one day a child of mine will stumble upon this folder, perhaps in an attic, and will get to see a side of their mother they didn't know.

Also crushed near the bottom was my brother's wide brim Bushmaster hat he gave me a week after my thirteenth birthday. Actually, to say he gave it to me is a lie. He told me I ruined it and should just keep it. You see, I wore it in the pouring rain while sitting on the beach watching he and his friends surf and the brim got all droopy. I wrote a story about that hat and the day for English class. It's in the folder of course with a large "A" adorning the top.

I sorted everything I kept from Mike and spent the most time looking at the letters, cards, ticket stubs, show flyers, as I knew they would bring me no hurt. I sorted notes and cards from my mother into a separate pile as these are equally important artifacts.

I was relieved to see evidence that I undertook this task sometime in the not so distant past as the most difficult sentiments (including those from past loves) were already condensed to a few special items, mainly for the simple sake of remembering. I recall I did this soon after Mike and I became engaged. It was clearly the time to let go so that's what I did.

Other random items include the brown and white plaid apron my childhood self wore as I waitressed my play food, my puffy painted name still intact; my sister-in-law's garter, which I caught the day she and my brother were married; my favorite pocketbook, worn beyond repair, which Mike affectionately referred to as my bag of death; a yellowed album of every card I received for my first birthday, now permanently stuck to its backing. I think of my Mom and how she was once the kind of mother who was organized and made this album. I believe it is the last of its kind.

And the pictures! My God, the pictures: the remnants of my mother and father's wedding album, the plastic sheets slashed by the razor my mom took to its pages. Boxes upon boxes of our childhood photos I believe I may have stole from my mother's basement in an effort to salvage history. All this and more lays within the trunk at the foot of my bed.

Everything is now safely tucked back inside, minus the few collectibles I have decided to sell. I completed the task unscathed, except for the persistent question growing in my mind of why I choose to keep this somewhat random sampling of my life.

I am reminded that the Buddhists believe a truly happy man is a man who can lose every possession, yet still be a happy man. I can part with possessions easily, but I don't view the contents of my trunk as possessions, but strictly memories that happen to exist in tangible form. Memory triggers?

At any rate, the contents of my trunk hold my story. I don't know what is in store for me, but I do not intend to stop valuing my experiences and relationships and therefore, the contents of this trunk which sits at the foot of my bed will grow. I only hope to be well thought of enough when I've gone, that at least one person will not view my trunk as a storage box, but as a treasure chest instead.

Posted to criscipline.blogspot.com 4/18/11

Insomnia at 3:33

In an attempt to stifle my incessant worrying I take to pondering the question of nightmares vs. insomnia. It's been five nights of nightmares now. In one, I lost my brother's dog in a park. But mostly, I just end up without a place to live.

Tonight, sleep won't come for me.

I roll over yet again and the time of 3:33 mocks me. You don't make wishes on obnoxious numbers. My thoughts shift to drink vs. Nyquil? It is Friday. A Friday night in which I was asleep by 10:00 in order to put a period on the end of this day of worrying about where to live. Little did I know that period was an ellipsis. For here I am yet again.

I have decided. Nightmares. Definitely. Because after all, insomnia is a nightmare when you can't escape your thoughts.

A Renewed Interest in Words

Two years ago I took a creative writing course hoping it would stir up my latent desire to write. I wanted to be forced to write, figuring it would get me back in the habit of things. I did some writing which I was proud of as a result of the course, but then I stopped again once it ended.

A couple of weeks ago I needed to choose my words quite carefully in a letter. I wrote again, and damn it felt good. Since that day words have been coming to me on my evening walks through deserted fields with my dog, Cooper. I think the quiet darkness is quite conducive to creative thinking. Ideas and words come during the other quiet darkness as well, when I'm just about to doze off. But now instead of silencing those thoughts, I listen, and scribble them in my journal which has resumed its post on my bedside table. In this short span of two weeks I find I've been able to make just a little more sense of things. Writing allows me the chance to reflect just that much more, to grab just a few of the thousands of fleeting thoughts that saunter by on any given day, and to confide in myself my own personal thoughts. Personal writing is mainly what I have been doing so far. I've learned through writing I no longer need to carry with me the thoughts I am hesitant to express verbally or confide in others.

Writing takes time. I love cooking so I make time for it. I don't love exercising, but I know it's important so I make time for it. I will make time for writing now. Because not only do I really enjoy it, but it helps to provide me with mental well being and a positive outlet. When it's time to write and I got nothing, I will spend some time reading my writing books I purchased when I was certain I would be a best selling author (the books are quite dated needless to say).

I cannot say how often I will write in this blog, although I do hope it is a little less sporadic. If my writing remains personal, well then it will remain private. I'm not going into writing this time with an idea or specific goal of writing a book. I'm going into this for the sake of writing this time.

However, you will see I've done a little updating to the design and added labels. I haven't gone back to add labels to every post yet. Damn, I wrote a lot of crap back when I started this thing! It's been both fun and embarrassing reading backwards. I look forward to choosing my words more carefully and honing my craft.

2010 - Year in Review

I just finished reading my 2009 Year in Review and am so glad I started this tradition of annual reflection. 2009 was a really great year and I enjoy being able to revisit it, in my own words.

I love this time of year, which brings about an end but also a new beginning. Often it brings a sense of relief, renewed effort, and big plans. I have big plans for 2011 and lofty goals. But one cannot move forward without first putting to bed the past.

2010 was a challenging year. I can truthfully say I felt great anxiety nearly every day of the year. I woke up January 1 with the usual drive and sense of renewed effort this day typically brings. I hit the ground running full speed ahead making big plans and trying to live healthfully. Unfortunately, none of this was exactly for me, but for my wedding. 2010 will forever be in my mind "2010: The Year of the Wedding". It was the Big Foot of my life, forever in sight, constantly glaring down at me. I worried for ten months straight about everything a wedding makes any bride worry about. It is cliche, but it is very real.

And it overshadowed everything.

However, it was all worth it. Our wedding was perfect. And the ten months of stress and anxiety just melted away, as the sun is melting the snow outside as I type. Looking back, 2010 feels almost like a sacrificial year. I gave a year to something that was important to me; that I wanted done right and on my terms. But now, I'm excited to move forward onto the next big thing (and re-instate Oktoberfest!).



Before I do that though, I want to thank our friends, parents and my brothers and sister-in-law. It is all of you that got us through 2010, and made the wedding so perfect. The wedding may have overshadowed the entire year but all of you made parts of it great fun. The Shower, the dress fitting get-togethers, the casual dinners at our place, the great laughter. Thank you. We love you.

I hope that next year will be "2011: The Year of the Home". Yes, Mike and I are planning to buy a home this Spring. I don't know what to expect. All we can do is educate ourselves and prepare best we can. I'm excited and optimistic and very much looking forward to doing things for us, not for an event. There's a sense of freedom that comes with getting past the wedding. My husband and I are now free to move about. Pun intended.

As I wrap things up, I cannot believe I almost forgot to mention that 2010 was also the year of the dog. I don't know if that's true in a Chinese Zodiac sense, but it was for us. 2010 is the year Cooper came into our lives and we can't imagine life without him. I think I'll go take a nap with him now.

Clearing Dust off the Blog - a brief update

Since joining Facebook I find there is little need to update this blog since it's main purpose is to keep distant friends and family updated on comings and goings. However, I thought this would be a good time to blow off the proverbial dust and write some sort of update.

Mike and I had a great vacation with friends in Cape May early July and have gotten all of the drinking, eating and partying out of our system. We returned home and hit the ground running with wedding planning. I've also renewed my weight loss efforts. I've been working hard since February in this area but thought a renewal would be in order, particularly after a gluttonous vacation. I am pleased to report I am off to a great start. I get excited over these efforts because they usually mean I'll be cooking new things and experimenting a bit more and most likely trying a new physical activity. Someone told me they admired my determination this morning, but I had to reply that it's really just intense desperation masked as determination. My wedding dress doesn't fit so do I have much of a choice?

Wedding plans are going very well. I don't recommend a long engagement because it's a very large thing to have hanging over your head and it takes its toll after a while. But we're very much on schedule and the big day will be here before we know it. We just tackle one thing at a time and make one decision at a time while carefully planning ahead. I'm looking forward to the big day and celebrating all of our hard work and careful planning with our family and friends. Now that we're this far along I can finally picture it. I smile when I envision the day. Although I must admit I also smile at the thought of getting on that plane the day after and heading to Aruba because that means we had crossed the finish line and can relax haha. December will be "normal" I hope and then January we will begin the motions for buying our first home, which we hope to move into May/June, 2011.

Obviously, we have a lot to look forward to and lots of "smaller" things in the interim. It's a busy, busy time with lots to do and lots to consider. Life is good right now. And I'm suddenly very glad I decided to write this update because I didn't necessarily feel that way this morning. There's been a lot of anxiety lately relating to a situation with our current apartment coupled with a little bit of family stress. I am now looking at a larger picture and those things suddenly don't seem so bad.

Life is good right now. And I think that's why this blog is called Reflections. Because even if no one reads this, I feel better to have taken a moment to reflect.

2009 - A reflection

Looking back, 2009 was far busier, fun, eventful and happier than most years in recent memory. Yet at the same time, 2009 was downright difficult. It was a year. I will say that. It started right off the bat with mom's cancer - a terrible blow to the positive feeling new years brings. We struggled with that for ten months. However, simultaneously a new friendship was budding and grew to great heights while mom's cancer shrank to nothing. 2009 will always be the year Mom got cancer, but also the year I found my best friend.

And now I'm eager to leave the bad, grab tight to the good and march into 2010 with optimism and a clear plan. New Years is my most favorite time of the year I think. It's a clean slate - a time of hope and a golden opportunity for change. But before I embrace the new, I'd like to list some highlights of 2009 (in no particular order):

- "On a Boat" Thank you, Andy Samberg for the good times. 'Nuff said.

- Making Thanksgiving dinner with Mom (and not fighting once!).

- Closely watching new relationships form and getting to be a part of it. Seeing two great friends so happy together is awesome.

- July, 2009 Cape May Vacation with great friends. That was quite the hootenanny (to say the least).

- All the laughs, all the fun, all the drama, all the joys of having a best friend.

- May, 2009 trip out to Washington state and the San Juan islands with my brother and friend, Doug. The memory I have of us sitting on the cliffs at Lime Kiln Point watching Orcas in the wild will remain in my mind clear as a photo forever.

- Being tucked in every night for yet another year by my fiancee, my love, Mike - whom I look forward to spending every day of every year with for the rest of my life.

- Mom winning her ten month long fight against cancer. Go, Mom! I pray it doesn't rear its ugly head ever again.

- 4th Annual Oktoberfest party in honor of Mike's 30th Birthday - the best Oktoberfest to date!

- The cruise! That was awesome.

Like I said, it was a great year. Here's to 2010. Cheers!

My 26th Year

It's been a while since I've posted, but I thought this would be a perfect time to reflect on my 26th year with my turning 27 in just a few days. This was a big year in a lot of ways, both good and bad. It's the year I ran my first mile for one thing - something I consider a huge accomplishment. It's the year I got engaged - crazy. The year I read the Twilight series and fell in love with Edward Cullen. The year I made a new, and excellent friend, Jessica. But it's also the year the C word entered my life - Cancer.

Overall, it's been a fine year; normal for the most part with the obvious exception of my mom falling victim to Inflammatory Breast Cancer. I tasted new foods, tried loads of new recipes with great thanks to my cousin, Jackie. I read more books, saw more movies. But for the most part everything stayed the same and I take great comfort in that.

But I do feel older. Somehow it seems to me that someone who's 26 can still make mistakes and can still be immature at times because, well, they're still maturing. But 27 sounds so much more adult, like it entails more responsibility and accountability. But I think the cancer has also aged me. I guess you really start growing up the day you're faced head on with the realization that your parents won't be there forever - the day you realize, Oh My God, I've taken my mom for granted the past 25 and a half years! That's the hardest part of growing up in my opinion.

But it's unavoidable of course. So I look to my 27th year with great hope. I hope it will be the year I finally reach my goal weight, the year I run my first 5K, the year I see my Mom become a Survivor, the year I read more books and see more movies. It's going to start out great I know. With friends, a trip to the Olympic Peninsula with my brother Doug, and a vacation with friends in July. Bring it on.

Almost ready for it to end

This afternoon I was walking to the fountain at Logan Circle to meet David for lunch and while doing so I took in the autumn breeze and noted the fallen leaves and enjoyed those first tastes of fall. Back to school (and back to work) is all around me - stopping for crossing guards, full parking lots at the Patco station, and not being able to find a seat on the train.

So I found a bench and took a seat and was blasted by the sun and immediately felt my face begin to sweat. Ick. It was a beautiful day but nothing like fall and it actually got me thinking, Shoot, there's still some things I want to do this summer! It was like saying good riddance to an annoying house guest at the airport and then realizing you'll actually miss them. I was overwhelmed by the sudden desire to have a picnic. And to go to a water park. At the same time.
Luckily I'll be in Fort Lauderdale this weekend and we do plan to go to the beach one day so I know I'll have that one last breath of summer, assuming a hurricane doesn't dampen those plans. *pun intended. But I must fit in a romantic picnic with Mike. gottagoonapicnic

After that I'll be good. Bring on my favorite season of the year!!! Every year I appreciate it more and enjoy it more!

Friday is monopoly night - the best night

Last night I had particularly bad dreams - nightmares in fact. This is not rare for me. All my anxiety comes out in the form of awful situations in my dreams and this has been happening for many many years now.

But last night was different. I had the most beautiful baby girl. I loved her to pieces when I looked at her, but yet I was constantly leaving her home alone and finding myself surprised to see her when I got back and then I would feel this unrelenting guilt upon forgetting about her. I'd notice she needed to be changed then get distracted and leave her all alone again. I was the world's worst mother. And she really was so beautiful.

This didn't come out of nowhere and nope, I'm not pregnant nor will I be any year soon. My friends just had a beautiful baby boy, Patrick, and we went to visit him Saturday. He fell asleep in my arms. And yesterday on the way home from work I found myself wondering if I really ever want to be responsible for a human life. I never considered myself a selfish person until faced with the thought of a child.

In another segment of my nightmares I got in a brawl with someone who gives me anxiety in real life. I finally got to say everything I've wanted to say. This is just sad (pathetic). I really need to find a better way to deal with this shit. I can't keep having late night brawls in my head.

I went to yoga last night and it was the best class I've taken so far. I was a little disappointed I had the nightmares since I felt so at peace after the yoga but I guess it may have just enhanced my thoughts? I don't know. Maybe it was just a coincidence. I am quite sore today but it's that really nice soreness. My back is very sore but it's simply from keeping good posture. I feel like I got an alignment. Now if I could just try to stay straight.

It's disgusting out - dark, rainy, some flooding. But I welcome it. It's Friday and I am just so damn tired again. And I'm still on this Japanese kick so I'm going to bear the weather soon for a mile walk to get some california roll.

I'm gonna kick Mike's ass in monopoly tonight.

Current Events: Philadelphia

Working in Philadelphia amongst many wonderful black colleagues, you will oftentimes find yourself in enlightening discussions about race. In lieu of Sergeant Liczbinski being slain earlier this week in the line of duty and the next day's horrific police brutality, the topic of race can come up almost constantly.

Today was Liczbinski's funeral essentially next door at Saints Peter and Paul Cathedral. The events of the day unfolded much as they did back in November for Officer Cassidy's funeral after he was slain upon entering a Dunkin Donuts for his morning coffee. Thousands of police officers from around the tri-state area, and some from even farther, flooded the Benjamin Franklin Parkway and surrounding area. A live feed was provided from within the Cathedral.

Upon walking in to work this morning I was faced with yet again photos from the beating laid down on three black men earlier this week in all the newspapers. I carefully commented and wondered aloud to two of my black colleagues that the suspects had just shot three men. Although the beating was excessive, isn't trying to murder three people also excessive? Isn't this beating in at least some way, justified? We all felt the same way.

Well, it turns out that these three men may not have been the men that had just tried to shoot three other men on a street corner. It's much more plausible (and the investigation is still pending) that the police mistook one of the gentleman for the at-large accomplice to the Lizcbinski slaying and jumped to some terrible conclusions. The whole shooting suspect thing: a mere cover-up for a case of mistaken identity.

In talking to my two colleagues this morning, I was tremendously enlightened to what being a black parent in this city entails. Ken's son was visiting from Atlanta this week and he expressed the constant fear of his son being in town out and about while the entire Philadelphia police force looked for the at-large accomplice. He said he found himself checking in on his son hourly and couldn't sleep at night until his son was safely inside the house.

Toni told me of her son's experiences this week. Apparently, many times this week he had been out on the street hanging out with his friends and police would roll up, get out of their cars and stand and stare, trying to figure out if one of them was Eric Floyd, the wanted suspect. They would finally come to a conclusion that they were not who they were looking for and move on.

According to Toni, the goal of a black parent in this city is to get their child to see the age of 30, "but you don't stop worrying about them until they're 65." Ken nodded his head in agreement the entire time.

I think a lot of people are intimidated by the topic of race and especially racism. In my personal experience, my questions and curiosities are welcomed by my black colleagues. I think knowledge and understanding is key and I'm big on questions.

The conversations continued at length over the day and overall, I'm grateful to have been a part of them. Philadelphia is a difficult place. You can live here quite happily I'm sure if you maintain a level of ignorance, but being aware can make you very sad and very confused. I don't always understand why some people choose to live in a bubble and have no clue what goes on outside, but I do understand the results - a more blissful existence.

As an addendum, today I was greatly saddened and angered. Ken and I were outside when we looked over and saw a Paterson, NJ police officer urinating in the middle of the Benjamin Franklin Parkway. And laughing. And the four officers with him were laughing. A homeless man walked by and mentioned to me and Ken that we should call the police. This man clearly was also angered by the spectacle (although what he said clearly has an ounce of humor).

Ken refused to look again. Ken refuses to look at police officers in general and he's explained this to me on many occasions. "Jess, if I only told you half the shit about how officers treat black men in this city!" I, however, stared. When the officer got into the car he sat and stared right back at me. Then he laughed at me and shut the door.

I was infuriated. What this man did was wrong on so many levels. The obvious: it's illegal. Secondly, children were in clear view. Thirdly, Sergeant Liczbinski's funeral procession had just traveled down the same road less than an hour beforehand. Fourthly, he was an out of town police officer. I really could go on and on.

Ken thought this behavior was typical. "Jess, I've seen cops in full uniform in alleyways with women bent over in front of them."

Great. Maybe in twenty years I'll be just as desensitized as Ken, but for now, I can be naive and ask my questions and get mad when I see an officer violate the law. This entire week has been overwhelming for this city and you can feel it in the air. It's like a black cloud has settled.

The Chronicles of Narnia

I have such fond memories of reading the Chronicles of Narnia in grammar school. It's when I think of those books that I can see the Minue School library crystal clearly in my mind. Wow, I can't remember ever writing Minue. It can't have been spelled that way. It just looks so strange. I never thought about it before.

I can see the orange, hard cover bindings around each book and I see Jennifer Burke reading the next installment directly across from me with an expression of concentration and enjoyment on her young pretty face. We were young. We were also reading buddies and we stayed that way until high school but we always kept right on reading and we always shared that bond. I thank Jennifer Burke for my love of reading. She was always one book ahead of me and couldn't wait until I caught up so we could talk about them.

I saw the preview for the movie version of Chronicles and knew within five seconds what the preview was for and shouted out, "The Chronicles of Narnia!" and didn't even feel embarassed because I was just so amazed by the teaser trailer.

I went and reread the series and enjoyed them very much. I don't know if I enjoyed them more, but I do know that I understood all the religion this time and I'm sure I did not then. I planned to see the movie.

Then I read on CNN that C.S. Lewis was very much opposed to his series ever being made into film. A cartoon he was fine with but no movies. I do not know if someone went against his will and sold the rights to Disney or if time was just up and it was a matter of first come, first served. His reasoning for this, supposively, was that he thought Aslan, the Great King Lion, would end up looking like a bafoon in film. For how could an old crabby writer in the '70's really envision what our computers could accomplish in 2005.

(Doesn't Kong look great? Five stars all around.)

I decided I would not see the film out of respect for the author....until I changed my mind a minute later. I think that if C.S. Lewis knew what we could do, he would say it was fine with him. I may be very wrong. But now millions more people will know the story of little Lucy and Edmund and the evil White Witch and I would assume that at least one quarter of them will read the books as a result of having seen a great movie. Or maybe he liked that the books weren't trendy. For now, it is difficult to buy the books without them being the Motion Picture ones without the movie poster on the cover. Just look. The old ones are still there....in the back....or not featured on the display table but back on the shelf in the children's section.

About what I said about 'a great movie'. Ok, it got 3 1/2 stars. It apparently received demerits for 'trying to be Lord of the Rings' or something like that. That's fine with me. I LOVE LTR and watched it again last night as a matter of fact. All three are my favorite background movies. One of them is on almost everyday while I do chores.

So Mike and I saw HP GOF last so I called him and said we'll see King Kong next. He'd like that. It's his turn. And then we'll see Chronicles. My roommates really liked it.

I have a whole week off for the holidays so it will be nice to have a date on the weeknights. I must admit that weeknight dates are terribly lacking in this relationship.

It's been a while

I'm very tired and life has been very hectic. Go go go all the time. At least it makes the time fly and I keep busy.

I find that I'm so eager to start the next chapter in my life that I'm sort of fast forwarding the remainder of this chapter. I've come to truly dislike in that I get a sick stomach whenever I see you attitude to my roommates. I'm polite and considerate still even though no one else is polite or considerate to me. I'm all about the routine as I've said before. I love the silence and alone time I get in the morning from being the only one who gets up early. SEPTA (Southeastern PA Transit Authority) is on strike as of midnight All Hallows Eve and I'm enjoying the forty minute door to door walk to and from work. I like eating my nutritious breakfast, and packing my healthy balanced lunch and planning my dinner. I love the days I go to the gym because I don't get home until about 7:00 and then it's dinner and bed.

Basically though I've come to just hanging out in my room. By no means am I hiding. I only like about three tv shows and only watch them if I happen to be eating dinner at that time. Most of the time I just watch them at the gym. I like being alone in my room. I straighten up, read, watch a movie, organize something, do my nails. I just like it. And I don't have to see or speak to anyone I don't want to.

I'll be moving in June and I can't wait. I just also don't want to look back at the time I spent in Philly and think I wasted it. Monday thru Friday after work couldn't be more monotonous or routine. The weekends I spend with Mike in New Jersey. (That's where the fun comes in.)

But maybe this chapter titled, "Philly" really was just about growing up and finding and putting everything into my good job that I really like and will stay at even once I move. Maybe it was about getting healthy and learning and practicing routine and being alone and getting to know myself. Maybe I really needed two years of that. The rewards have been magnificent. No, I don't think I'll think this experience was a waste. But I am very ready to move on now. I'll take what I learned with me.

I'm very excited about my first book club tonight though. I made candy california roll. They look so cute. It's the little things that keep me going. I'm tired just thinking about tonight. Tomorrow is the big event. 230 guests for our 20th anniversary celebration. (I'm seated for dinner next to the anchorman of Philly's channel 10 5:00 news.) Someone must trust me. I keep seeing Will Farrel in my head.

When the thought really counts for so much more

There's this woman I work with who is really quite annoying. For having a Ph.D., she's really quite stupid and rude and pretty damn inconsiderate. I really have no choice but to have to help her out every now and again.

She says my name real slow, 'Jeessss' from around the corner and I always have time to sigh and pause before she gets to me and I say, 'Yeeesss' without looking up. Yesterday was no different. She reached my desk and leaned across it and I waited as long as I thought I could get away with before I looked up.

'I got these for you for helping me out so much lately."

She handed me a bouquet of the most beautiful flowers and I immediately felt like a bitch and smiled ear to ear which makes my eyes squinty and get watery. I thanked her numerous times and commented on how unique the deepest purple almost black flowers were. She thanked me.

So yesterday was very rainy and dark and cold and living in Philadelphia means a lot of walking and carrying a lot of crap around. I unwrapped the flowers and placed them in water untrimmed and kept the paper and plastic wrapping. I don't know what kind they are but one of the five is deep purple with white tips and two of the five are the purple color and the last two are that deep purple with just one spot of white like a paintbrush dripped on them.

I left work early for a dr. appointment and thought long and hard about wether to leave them or to take them. I really enjoyed looking at them so I took them and wrapped them up again. I headed out into the rain and let them get all wet. I was careful with them and took them all over town. Once on the bus, standing room only, some really inconsiderate lady who couldn't say excuse me just plowed past me and I heard one snap right then. I hated that lady.

I got home and without even taking my wet raincoat off, I began trimming the stems and placed them in my favorite vase. I carried the vase upstairs and rearranged my end table and placed them dead center. I stepped back near the door to examine their placement and after a few adjustments, I was pleased. Except for the dust on the table. I dusted the table. Then I had to dust the end table on the other side of the bed. Then I had to do laundry. Then I had to do about twenty other things.

Way way past my bed time at 11:00 I climbed into my freshly made bed with my clean sheets still warm out of the dryer. I looked at all I had accomplished and felt really good. I looked at my flowers.

I picked up A Million Little Pieces and felt rewarded to be able to finish it in my immaculate room in such a warm clean bed. I finished it and I loved it. One of my favorites.

I killed the lights and thought about how just a few short years ago, I kept a journal of my daily accomplishments. The first entry once I got back home from a very bad and dangerous place simply read, I brushed my teeth today. I remember waking up on the basement floor where my mom requested I sleep because I did not deserve a bedroom, bed, or privacy. I used to wake up scared and sweaty and shaking and it would take an hour to calm down and to convince myself I was safe.

I thought about these things in my warm, clean bed last night and I thanked God as I do every night for all of it. I will not take these things for granted. Everything happens for a reason and I am so happy I was given those beautiful flowers yesterday.

I fell asleep last night with a smile.

I woke up this morning with a smile.