Friday, September 30, 2005

Let me tell you

Let me just tell you how excited I am to blow out of this taco stand, buy a new book at Barnes and Noble, hit the gym for an intense workout, go home, shower, have a nice dinner, throw on jeans and a hoodie and hit up a coffee house that I can smoke in, read, write and watch everyone stroll by in the crisp autumn air.

I don't smoke during the week anymore. I am a weekend smoker only. Well, for the past three consecutive weeks I've been. Don't question me or add your two sense (ok so is it cents or sense. We all say it and so scarcely read or write it) That's just the way it is. And yes, I suffer severe head aches every Monday and yes, it does get easier once it becomes habit.

If I don't have plans, I may as well not even exist. We've discussed this. I am all alone again this weekend. Mike's band is really starting to play a lot and Mike has to work Sunday so my going down to Jersey really just equals out to unecessary gas expenses.

I plan to finish my office tomorrow once and for all and do some fall cleaning. I need to go to the market and I intend to make my first ever apple pie. (A Weight Watchers version of course.)

I just hope and pray that by tomorrow night I'm not having an anxiety attack and feeling sorry for myself and 'Oh, I'm so lonely. I hate Philadelphia. Blah blah blah.' Drinking alone does nothing for me anymore either. I always think, "oh, this time will be different." It's never different. It's expensive, noisy alone time and listening in on (hm hm overhearing) the stupidest conversations. It's looking at all the beautiful couples and trying to get the smelly drunk to get the point that I'm not interested so please stop talking especially within one inch of my face. It was fun when I was single and that was a long time ago and call me sexist, but a girl with a boyfriend really has no business alone in a bar on a weekend anyway. During the week is a different story.

The urge to get this book done is so intense, it hurts. I start at the beginning of things though and it's kind of difficult to write a book when you can't figure out what that perfect opening sentence is. I hate it. I'm so lame.

For some reason, I think if I finish my office I'll be more keen on at least trying to write in there so I'll give it a shot. Something tells me though that even when the room is done, I'll just find another excuse.

Okay, so mid sentence I panicked and called my Philly friend who I kinda sorta lost touch with the past two weeks. Good, 15 second conversation and a back-up plan in case I do go stir crazy. (Insert Napoleon Dynamite YES here)

I think that's it.

Oh yeah, I lost just under six pounds in two weeks. I feel ....hmmm.....bouncy actually. I am officially in a new bracket of numbers.

Monday, September 26, 2005


I really want to be good at something. I'm good at some stuff but not the kinds of things I wake up all thrilled that I'm good at. I don't ever wake up saying to myself, I'm a good girlfriend. Today I'll practice to be even better.

Actually, I just tried to list all the things I'm good at and it was hard. I was no good at it. I'm a good reader. I'm a good listener. I'm a good cook and I'll be a great cook in a place all my own with all my own pots and appliances and gadgets. That I know. (I'm so excited to be a good cook.) I'm not an athlete although I really wish I was. Yesterday I went to a very large sporting goods store and was depressed that I had no reason to be there. I bought Mike his jersey that I owed him from our bet on the Super bowl last year and a lock for my locker at the gym and we walked around. I loved the expensive work out clothes and had no idea how I would actually utilize them to the extent they were created. I loved the warm jackets for hiking and camping and outdoor fall and winter sports. I looked at the giant camping packs and envisioned myself loading them up with what they were intended for.

I want to have something to practice. I'm not complaining that I'm no good at anything. It's all my fault that I never chose anything or stuck with it but mostly I just never thought I had the means for it.

I'm good at working with furniture. I was supposed to take Mike's dresser drawers home this weekend and start them. I really should. I need a hobby. I also need to start practicing writing. I have something very large to write and it's not going to write itself. I imagine life must have much more meaning when you do something that involves practice. Afterall, I truly enjoy cooking and I guess everytime I do that, it's practice.

This is such a lame entry. I just wish I had cool hobbies and I just don't know what I want to be into. There's a million things and they all require some funding. Well, not writing. Maybe that's the answer. I really need to start doing that.

Thursday, September 22, 2005


I thought the weather people were supposed to alternate names between males and females. Perhaps I missed the guy storm. He must have had a little....well, nevermind.

It's scary just sitting here waiting. I mean, no one down near the Gulf is just sitting around waiting. No, they're sitting in bumper to bumper traffic. I read on CNN just now some guy went 46 miles in 13 hours. He should have hopped on a bicycle. Perhaps he had seen Wizard of Oz too many times though. Ok, that was just wrong, but I'm scared. If we don't laugh about it, we'll cry about it.

I'm just glad we're prepared. I'm happy everyone is leaving. I hope Louisiana doesn't get hit again.

So, for some reason the weather people said that we only have four names left to use for the year and then we'll have to resort to the Greek alphabet. Alpha, Beta, (forgot what c is), Delta, and so on and so forth. Remaining names include Vinnie and Tammy and I forgot the other two. I really truly dislike a girl named Tammy so I hope we don't have to resort to her because I would hate hearing her name all day.

So I guess Saturday is the day. I know I'll be waking up in a panic and running for the Tv.

Pretty good

Things are going well. Planning phases are in order and as a planner, well, that's great for me. June 30, 2006 I move from Philadelphia and still don't know where I'm going. That scares me but not as much as it would have a year or two ago. When I moved here in July of 2004 I would get panic attacks just thinking about my lease running out. I don't have to move. I want to move and besides, I think my roommates are all moving too and I wouldn't dare get new roommates.

I'm done with Philadelphia. I've started to pretty much downright dislike my roommates. I love the house but wish it was my own. Why put money into something that you'll only be in for less than another year? Why continuously put elbow grease into something your pigsty roommates just tear up anyway? My roommates are pretty disgusting. I could list some very disgusting things here but why bother.

The problem was my job. I love it. I make good money for someone my age and I do like Philadelphia. I just don't want to live here anymore especially with anyone other than Mike.

Mike knows I don't intend to stay and he asked several times if I would move in with him and his family in Central New Jersey so that we can live rent free and save for a house. I always said no and then finally got so scared and realized that I can't afford NJ rent all alone and said ok. Deep down I know it would never work out and I'm just so thankful that Mike really finally started looking at it more realistically too.

Saturday night he and I were in a bar here in Philadelphia pretty buzzed and really enjoying each other's conversation when Mike came out and told me that he doesn't think I should leave my job because he knows how much I love it. He said that perhaps he and I should look into apartments in Haddonfield. (Haddonfield/Collingswood/Westmont are three great little towns all in a row in NJ right over the bridge from Philly. It's a long story but I've lived in Collingswood before. It was just the wrong time. But I love the town. 'Nuff said.)

This really came as a surprise to me. I would love more than anything to stay at my job, live with Mike, and not be in the city anymore, and live in my favorite area of NJ. I had no idea he had even been thinking this! I love him.

He said, "Jess, what comes on the bottom of a toolbox?" (Mike's a mechanic.)


And things just seem to be leaning in that direction. Mike has a job interview on Tuesday and he's been looking much more aggressively for a better job. He said as long as the money's right and as long as he can get a transfer or a new job, we can pretty much consider it a done deal.

I know there are several things to take into consideration here and we discuss them, but right now I don't want to get too ahead of myself. I'm just really happy. I'm so used to doing all the compromising and to know that Mike was really taking into consideration what would be best for me too; well, that's just amazing.

Monday, September 19, 2005

It seems tonight rambling is my Purpose

I don't think any of us actually know our purpose. I think only very few of us were created to accomplish something or to be less specific, created to serve a purpose. I think it's great when people think they are here to help one another or to be the best person they can be. But lets face it, you don't see many people walking around who think they have a purpose or even pretend to know what it is.

I have no idea what my purpose is, if I even have one. I have goals. Another epidemic in this country, no one here in the United States seems to have much of a point to their existence or purpose. We're too new. We're like little babies without culture or history or pride. We're fat, lazy, pretty dumb all together and we really don't have any culture. (I repeat myself but I think that has a lot to do with everything lacking in our country.)

I've never been outside of the country, not even to Canada. I know there are a lot of lazy fat people in every country (well, not fat in every country) but doesn't it seem like there's wonderful tradition, skill beyond anything an American could even measure, history, culture and beauty in so many other places?

There are some beautiful places here but they're much fewer and farther in between. I'm talking about thousands of miles in all directions without a foot print let alone a hot dog stand. We have some beautiful landscapes but it seems like there's always some white trash family ruining the experience for you or some truck stop or souvenir shop right smack in the middle of your view. I hate it.

My brother sees some amazing views and has been to places almost completely unscathed by man and he didn't ruin it. He belongs in those places because he appreciates them and happens to be into sports where these places can be accessible to him and well, he has a reason to be there.

I always seem to let something ruin beauty for me. But maybe it's because I've never actually seen a real 'view' or a real mountain or waterfall or island sunset. I'm from New Jersey. I live in Philadelphia and there are times I get choked up watching the helicopters (those green leaves that fall slowly and gracefully) fall onto the cobblestone streets in Old City at the start of sundown when the glare seems almost blinding. But then they fall into garbage and there's graffiti'd street signs and a crazy man cussing at the fire hydrant and I just kind of sigh and keep walking.

Where are the ninjas and kung fu masters? The monks and buddhists? The man who moved to Alaska all alone and built a cabin and lived through 45 below winters for 35 years?

I have been so stressed lately. I know when I'm extra stressed because I have this weird disorder that comes out when I am. I do something I've never heard of anyone doing before when stressed and it gives me tremendous agonizing pain and it's really hard to catch myself doing it because it doesn't hurt when I do it. I guess the years of practicing not losing my mind when stressed just all evolved into something else.

My point is, I think we've brought this country to a point of no return. There is no escaping money, bills, marketing, superficial beauty, cheating, consumerism, sin, and so many other evils.

Maybe I am just making excuses but I don't think I could move to Alaska and build a cabin and hunt caribou. I don't think I could ever really be out of debt and not have a single bill and drop off the face of America and move to China to live amongst the Buddhists and monks. I don't think I could go on a pilgrimage to find myself and write about ancient African tribes or study gorillas. I wish I was someone like that. Someone with a purpose.

I hate my cell phone. I can't even turn it off.

Thursday, September 15, 2005

Church of Galactus

Perusing one of my favorite artist's website today, I discovered he had his own blog which is really cool I must add.

Click on the link above to read a little something worth reading. A nice little opinion piece on religion and the criteria for forming a new one. Very smart, eh.

Click on the link below to check out Coop's site. If someone knows how to make a word be a clickable link, please let me know. Thank you.

Some information

Ok, so I'm on a Weight Watchers program but I do not belong to WW. I am fortunate enough to know some very awesome supporting people who do belong (one works for them) so I get all the stuff I need for free. This is not a weight loss blog. This is information. I even have access to the online stuff which is super expensive. Please don't sue me. I love your program. It works great. Consider all the free stuff payment for the word of mouth advertising I do for you. Cool? Ok, we're even.

So anyhow, it works great and combined with a lower alcohol intake and my new nazi approach of going to the gym, I am tearing shit up to say the least. I feel really good and I find all these new cool muscles and clothes look better and it's just so cool. What can I say. It just rocks. (This is not conceit or big headedness. This is an overweight, self-conscious 23 year old feeling sexy for the first time in her life. There's a huge difference.)

So I still have a long way to go. When I said overweight, I did not mean obese. There is also a big difference there. I've been doing the program since February but it's something where practice makes perfect and I feel I am at a new height of expertise. I have come such a long way since February and I keep learning and trying new things. I have a point.

So I weigh myself on Wednesdays. No, I don't go anywhere and report my weight. I just tell my fitness partner every Wednesday and we laugh and high five and discuss what could have caused the 2 oz. gain, etc. (maybe it was the sodium in that Whopper you had on Sunday when you watched the season premiere of the Simpsons.) Hmmm, maybe it was the Whopper. I love it. The point is that WW is meant to become complete habit. It is a lifestyle change and all those nasty things I used to eat are now so few and far between it's just amazing. Oh, and when you do give in to a craving, you feel so sick that you don't want it anymore anyway. Go four weeks on the healthiest well-balanced diet you've never known and then eat a Whopper. It's kind of like what could happen if you gave an Ethiopian child a Snickers but to a lesser degree.

I love planning and weighing my foods. It gives me purpose in my purpose lacking life. I love going to the grocery store, I love cooking up new recipes. It's just so cool and this is probably the healthiest habit I've ever formed and it's just me. I don't even have to think about it anymore. I rock.

P.S. Haven't had a cigarette since Sunday. I didn't plan to 'quit'. I just didn't feel like going to the atm and then I just forgot and found myself laying in bed Monday night saying, 'shoot, I forgot to smoke.' And then I just stuck with it. We'll see. Clearly, I decided to try or else I would have bought cigarettes last night when I turned into a complete basket case and cried for 5 hours.

So now you all know I'm on WW. Most consistent thing in my life. It works.

Tuesday, September 13, 2005

Philly Weekend

I am so excited for this weekend. Weekend number two in Philly all in a matter of weeks. I'm sure you're thinking, wait, but you hated the last one. Well, yes, I did, but this weekend Mike will be here and he won't be here until Saturday evening.

I can't help it. I am such a planner. If I have nothing to look forward to, I could just rot.....or I'd plan something. It's in my nature. There are two kinds of plans: long-term and short-term. In those categories include my weight goals, the make believe memoir I'm not writing, etc. But for all intents and purposes, we're just talking about 'fun' plans right now.

I have a wedding to attend in October, pumpkin picking day which still makes my heart race just thinking about it, Mike's Halloween birthday cocktail party (my mom is coming to my house for the first time for that) and then it will be Thanksgiving or something like that.

However, this weekend I will have Friday night all to myself and I plan to hit the gym after work, make and enjoy a scrumptious dinner, shower and put on ridiculously comfy pajamas and actually rent movies and watch them all by myself and enjoy an entire bowl of popcorn. (The low point kind of course)

Saturday I cannot wait to wake up early and dress for fall. (I hope. I may be getting a little ahead of myself there.) I'll go get coffee at starbucks and be one of those hip city girls walking around the Italian Market with an oversized shoulder bag, shades and coffee and pet dogs, and talk to the grocers and buy lemons.

Did I ever say that I daydream a lot. I can't help the way I see things. Tangent here, ya know how in one's head they always picture themselves one way and then look in the mirror and it's always different. In the Matrix I, Pegasus, oh wait, Morpheus, called it something. It was when Neo went into the Matrix for the first time and was wearing the red jacket. ________ self-image. Not the same thing, but sort of.

Anyhow, I'm actually starting to look a little bit like I would picture myself in oh, say, the matrix. It's nice. That's what the gym and long hair will do for ya I guess. If only I could fix my nose.....

So Saturday night I'm making Thai. It's a dish that my friend made for me once. I had it before in Thai restaurants. I could just shovel it in without looking. Every ingredient and every texture is just magnificent. You can trust this dish and it's most enjoyable to not pick or push or need to see what's going in. Every bite is great. Mike will really like it.

Saturday night we're going bar hopping like tourists. I've done it but never with Mike here in Philly. The goal is to actually make it until the bars close and join the masses and head to any of the three most famous 24 hour Philly cheesesteak joints. They're good but even better after a long night of drinking.

Sunday morning will be coffee outside in the autumn breeze on Broad Street, football, wings, beer, nachos. South Street again for the Sunday football experience. I need to ask around for a good place to watch football. I saw one place has .10 wings but the sign said for wrestling I think. It'll be great and I'm really excited.

Maybe I'm silly but this is my life. Every 'dull' moment is experienced with an underlying heart racing anticipation for the next big thing. Maybe it's small to some, but this Philly weekend is big time to me and I can't wait. I am also super excited to weigh myself tomorrow. I only weigh myself on Wednesdays and I get so excited when I know I've lost weight. Hehe.

Hey, whatever floats my boat right?

Tuesday, September 06, 2005

It Smells Like Autumn

It is a beautiful autumn day. I took a walk at lunch and the sun was shining and there were a few leaves and it was warm yet there was a breeze. The sky was a magnificent blue and white fluffy clouds floated lazily playing tag with the glare. It was sad like the way a familiar movie can make you sad. Like the way the scent of pumpkin pie and a certain temperature can make you feel lonely and bring you back to a time and a place and you think of people you haven't thought of in years and you smile but you feel so sad that you will never have that moment again. Then you begin to daydream of all the moments you will experience and all the memories you hope to make this autumn.

Then you feel lonely and let down before your autumn is even here. Afterall, summer went with the blink of an eye and you only went to the beach twice. There is no tan, there were no days of playing catch in the park, your biggest memory of this summer was the heat. There were no waterslides or theme parks. No day trips except for one which ended early anyway. It was a pointless summer. Nothing summery happened. The pool will be closed next week and I spent a few hours in it all together.....alone.

September is here. Autumn means more to me than summer does. Fall means wonderful intoxicating scents of apples, cinnamon, and pumpkin. It means blue skies, cool breezes, the playful rustling sound of dry leaves. It means natural colors and boots and leggings. It means hoodies and hot coffee and wind chimes that make all new sounds. It means cuddling and learning and new books and new movies. It means Halloween and candy and turkey. I could go on and on but I can't stop my mind from wandering to a daydream.

I pray I am not disappointed this Autumn. I can't experience Autumn all alone and I can only hope HC realizes how important it is for him to make himself available to me this fall. Just one day is all I want. Sun up to far after sun down.