As terrible as it may sound, if I can manage to block out my mom's issues and the heartbreaking realization that she may be the most miserable person on the planet, I can smile and take comfort in the fact that I'm really in a good place right now with my life. I think I need to say that again and just relish in that for a moment.
I am in a really good place right now.
KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK ON WOOD. Damn! I already regret typing that but now the jury's out.
I have bullshit inconveniences and stupid shit happens to me every day but overall, the big picture, is pretty good. If I didn't worry about my mom all the time I'd be ecstatic. The best thing about all this is that I'm no longer waiting for the shoe factory to drop. My old friend, Fred, came up with that one for me. In my life it's never just been a shoe but the whole damn factory. I'm still scared the shoe will drop but I can deal with a shoe. Shit, I may even be able to deal with a shoe store. But I'm not holding my breath waiting for a catastrophe to rob me of my happiness. I pray at night for the safety and good health of those I love and I put it in God's hands.
So why do I feel this way? So content and happy? Well, I guess because I'm doing something that has to do with the future. School. I'm working towards something. Mike and I are growing at communicating and we're having a blast together. I'm losing weight and doing good things for myself physically that make me feel awesome mentally. I guess also because I cleaned out my entire closet top to bottom and got rid of so much stuff especially any clothing that was tied to bad memories or uncomfortable situations. I filled the closet back up with awesome brand new stuff that fits this new me.
Also, I guess because I'm growing and just feeling pretty damn good about who I'm becoming and I have a great partner and a comfy bed and comfy pillows and good food and well, read the quote at the top of the page - life is made up of little things - and I understand this.
I've also learned that when I look forward to something too far in advance the days until the event fly by in the blink of an eye. Appreciating each day is something I'm practicing but it's a little difficult. But I'm getting better. I bought a rice cooker/steamer because it is practically impossible to make rice on an electric stove. I am making vegetarian steamed dumplings Friday night and I am so excited. Mike and I are going to rent an Asian themed movie On Demand and feast on dumplings and edamame and this I very much look forward to. AND it's only two days away and I have arranged something for me to look forward to every few days so I don't hold my breath through the remainder of September until our three year anniversary. It would be very simple for me to miss everything until 9/29 when Mike is taking me to the Water Lilly and then we're going to see Jim Gaffigan.
I guess I'm just appreciative. I love my little simple life. I NEVER EVER thought I'd be in this place. It's all pretty great but the real clincher is being in a steady relationship with someone who not only loves all my little quirks but actually encourages them. As independent as I feel even though I live with Mike, I only just realized that he really has so much to do with all my happiness. He really has helped me to grow and supported me especially through my big transformation which I guess was a few years' in the making and isn't over yet. I always wanted him to say the right thing at the right moment not even realizing that he always did the right thing at the right moment and his actions have spoken volumes more than words.
Mike, in my life of little things, you are my something big.