Last night I had particularly bad dreams - nightmares in fact. This is not rare for me. All my anxiety comes out in the form of awful situations in my dreams and this has been happening for many many years now.
But last night was different. I had the most beautiful baby girl. I loved her to pieces when I looked at her, but yet I was constantly leaving her home alone and finding myself surprised to see her when I got back and then I would feel this unrelenting guilt upon forgetting about her. I'd notice she needed to be changed then get distracted and leave her all alone again. I was the world's worst mother. And she really was so beautiful.
This didn't come out of nowhere and nope, I'm not pregnant nor will I be any year soon. My friends just had a beautiful baby boy, Patrick, and we went to visit him Saturday. He fell asleep in my arms. And yesterday on the way home from work I found myself wondering if I really ever want to be responsible for a human life. I never considered myself a selfish person until faced with the thought of a child.
In another segment of my nightmares I got in a brawl with someone who gives me anxiety in real life. I finally got to say everything I've wanted to say. This is just sad (pathetic). I really need to find a better way to deal with this shit. I can't keep having late night brawls in my head.
I went to yoga last night and it was the best class I've taken so far. I was a little disappointed I had the nightmares since I felt so at peace after the yoga but I guess it may have just enhanced my thoughts? I don't know. Maybe it was just a coincidence. I am quite sore today but it's that really nice soreness. My back is very sore but it's simply from keeping good posture. I feel like I got an alignment. Now if I could just try to stay straight.
It's disgusting out - dark, rainy, some flooding. But I welcome it. It's Friday and I am just so damn tired again. And I'm still on this Japanese kick so I'm going to bear the weather soon for a mile walk to get some california roll.
I'm gonna kick Mike's ass in monopoly tonight.
2 comments:
Yay for sushi! I'm getting some today too...I'm looking for the menu right now. I had the weird baby dream not too long ago, it creeped me out but definitely made me realize just how not ready for motherhood I am.
I recently concluded that for a variety of reasons I'm definitely not having children for quite some time, but I think I may never actually have them. I do not think it's a selfish decision by any means, and I think it's becoming an increasingly popular decision, but I think it does upset older generations as I think they believe it's something one must do in life.
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