Scurvy - a Comedy

It may have started when I lost my water bottle two weeks ago.

But all hell broke loose Thursday around 12:15 pm with a half meatball sandwich at Subway. Never have I gotten the meatball sandwich and never had I passed on the wheat bread! But I do slightly recall turning to David and saying something along the lines of "lets get this holiday weekend started!". That was a second before he ordered his veggie patty sandwich on wheat. Bastard!

It was all downhill from there. Oh the horror! We expected dinner at the marina Thursday night so when we were proven terribly wrong we all ate bowls upon bowls of various colored orange snacks for dinner. Friday we had to justify what was most likely a $225 cost per head at the wedding by eating our share. Saturday was more beer and tasty cold hot dogs and Maria, what a sweetie, had waiting for me my very own bag of salt and vinegar chips! Woo-hoo!

Sunday: repeat.

So Monday I thought things might be a little better. I woke up feeling sick to my stomach like I hadn't eaten a whole grain or vegetable in ages! I was groggy and couldn't get out of bed so didn't have time for breakfast. I grabbed a banana and by the time I took it out of my bag at the office, half of it was inedible mush. I was starving!!!!

Then the jabbing pain of remembering I was on my own for lunch - David's last day was Thursday! Before David's all too short stint at the office, I ate lunch around noon every day. Once he came on board and we started having lunch together almost daily, I changed my lunch time to 1:00 to accommodate his later hours. I figured after six months it would have stuck, but no, my sandwich was gone by 11:59 am and I was still hungry and feeling sick but looking forward to the caesar salad we were having for dinner.

David and his girlfriend, Jen were actually coming for dinner. Thank God for that because there was no time for my 5:30 pre-dinnertime binge. The day was going well. Sort of.

We ordered two pizzas and readied a massive caesar salad - my favorite! David and Jen arrived not only carrying a massive platter of mini eclairs, cream puffs and cannolis, but also presenting me with my very own bag of kettle cooked salt and vinegar chips. I told you he was a bastard!

*Note to self, stop telling people your favorite thing is salt and vinegar chips.

I digress.

The night was fun. Mike won a game of Disney Pixar Monopoly. I got into the chips shortly after David and Jen left.

Yesterday, Tuesday, I tried again. Mushy half inedible banana, cold pizza for lunch. I blamed it all on my rogue water bottle. I walked to the store after lunch and bought Mike and I new bottles (the kind that supposively won't give us cancer). It started to rain buckets so I had to add an umbrella to the order although I had two sitting at my desk. By the time I got back to the office I was soaked from the thigh downward. But I digress again.

I was determined to make it up for dinner and end my misery! I called Mike to inform him we were having a salad for dinner. "With what?" he inquired. "With nothing. I am a fat cow and you must suffer the consequences."

I didn't say that. I don't remember what I said.

So I went to the brand spanking new Comcast Center Market, (insert angel singing and sunlight for it is truly a blessing) to get some veggies.

But I was craving sushi.

"Excuse me, do you sell half-price sushi after 5:00?" (It was 4:35)
"You can buy one, get one free."

SOLD

I did get some veggies too though.

So I went home full of good intentions. Going for a jog, eating sushi, readying a healthy menu for the remainder of the week.

It all went to shit when I finally got home drenched from the humidity and spotted the pretty blue and silver packaging of salt and vinegar chips.

The rest of the night is a bloated blur. I assure you the details are too disgusting to divulge.

HOWEVER, late last night I started to actually feel really sick. I was actually craving whole grain bread and I hate whole grain bread. I gathered the strength to actually plan a dinner for tonight and got chicken in the fridge to defrost and whipped up tuna loaded with diced onion, celery and carrot so that we could eat a decent lunch today.

The scurvy is starting to pass. I actually carried my banana to work today so it remained intact, ate a nectarine at 11:00 and had a delicious tuna on whole grain toast sandwich for lunch.

In fact I felt so good after that I took fifteen minutes to plan out the lunch and dinner for the remainder of the week. The swelling of my belly has even gone down a little.

I'm looking forward to rosemary chicken and roasted red potatoes for dinner. Last night, seconds before bed, I went in the kitchen and threw the remaining chips in the trash. There weren't many left. I can only imagine what Mike must have been thinking when he heard me reach for the chips. LOL. Assuming he thought the absolute worst I assured him I put them in the trash.

Holiday weekends are the worst.

Unless you're sensible, non-compulsive and not an addicted to salt over-eater.