Tuesday, July 11, 2006

It's been a while....

My apologies for the lack of updates. I have so many photos to post but no internet access at the new place yet so they will have to wait.

Life has been hectic, exciting yet depressing at times, and I'm working on getting established into my new routine which allows for some more spontaneity. Settling in isn't always that easy I've found. A lot of events and changes all occurred at the same time and are still kind of floating in mid space. It's appropriate to say the dust hasn't settled yet.

But since my "routine" was in upheavel when all these changes and new emotions hit the fan, I've been doing a suprisingly good job at keeping it all together and not fucking up all the positive progress I've made over the past two years. I will forever need to watch my lifestyle. A couple bad nights and a little too much alcohol can throw me into a wild tailspin and I know this. I must practice restraint and moderation in all that I do forever.

I shut and locked the door on 1112 S. 7th Street, Philadelphia last Friday, 7/7/06 around 5:35 ish pm. I found myself standing in my empty bedroom longer than I had intended and it was hard to go. I stood in the center of the room and put my arms out at my sides and spun around a few times feeling the familiar hard wood floor beneath my feet. I was trying to absorb memories and emotions. I was too overwelmed to feel them. But I did feel progress was made.

Overall, the memories at 1112 aren't that memorable. The whole experience was pretty uneventful. It's what it was that is memorable. It was the fact that I packed up and moved to a city, landed a phenomenal job that I love, finally got my head on straight (well, pretty straight), found a healthier lifestyle and had time to focus on me. I changed the past two years and it was all for the better and that's what Philadelphia was to me and always will be to me. The place I grew up and became a better person in.

I love this city.

Locking the door, I peered in one more time and thanked God for all the opportunity and prayed that the next chapter of my life be even better and that I continue to grow. It was sad.

Driving down 7th Street one tear fell from my left eye and I let it dry there on my cheek. I realized that when I shut and locked that door, it felt like I was also shutting and locking the door on my freedom. The fact that I moved in with a man finally hit home. This was followed by many emotions. I think cold feet sums it all up.

I guess the bottom line is that I'll always be free. I'm not regretful of my decision, just so far it hasn't panned out to what I thought it would be. But I blame that on the house and the problems we're still trying to work out there. I just thought I'd be having more fun with Mike. But I think again I'm letting my impatience get the best of me. For now, there's work to be done and I can't rush fun in a place that's not too much fun to be in yet.

The dust is still settling I suppose.....


Doug Walsh said...

"getting established into my new routine which allows for some more spontaneity"

Beeep. Beep. Beep. Does not compute. Bzzzz. Does not compute. Beeepppppppppp....

Your head will self-destruct in 5 seconds.

Beep. Does not... FIVE
Compute... Beep. Beep FOUR
Does Not Compute THREE
Routine. Spontaneity. TWO
Does Not Compute... Beeeepp... ONE


theKirkness said...

i know how you feel about leaving one place and going to another. that "i'll never be here in this moment ever again" feeling. not being on tour again, or the smell of dirty nightclub dressing rooms again. i get that tear on my cheek too sometimes but youre moving on to something better and bigger. you should buck up and let what you have in.

and ease up on the mutton chops.