Thursday, August 25, 2005

It Starts....

By Jessica Ann

The same title was used over four years ago for my first entry on my online diary. Same name as well. I guess some things never change. My diary has since been locked due to lack of use and I need to figure out a way to get it back. I perused the collection of over 300 entries in what must have been late winter of 2004. I recall picking interesting entry titles at random and opening them as if mini time capsules on a page. I remember writing that. I can't believe I wrote that. Ohhhh, that's why I did that.

It was really quite amazing looking back. Yes, I know not that long has passed since that diary's beginning to the time I reflected back on it. But it felt like a decade. I couldn't believe I was the same person who had written all this depressed, estranged, psycho babble. Clearly, I may have had an audience in mind. Yet some of it was just beautiful. I could pull out the entries where I was clearly writing for myself.

It was addictive clicking and reading and I experienced moments of teary eyed remembrance, embarassment over certain times and certain people, fear when I read of old nightmares, old anxieties, that 'bad' part of my brain dubbed Criscipline at age 13. There was a several month span wherer I actually specified who wrote the entry; Jessica Ann or Criscipline. That part of me had a personality all her own, a unique writing style; black against the white that was my own, a unique attitude, and worst of all, a name.

So I name this blog Criscipline in remembrance of an old friend who was never very good. We've all had them. And yet they still weasel a way into the deserted corners of our hearts. Squatters. Or perhaps I name this blog Criscipline to mock the gimp now locked up and gagged within a dusty corner of my brain. (I'd like to think no corners of my mind or heart are dusty or deserted, but you get my point.) Or maybe I just do it for consistence. Or maybe because I always enjoyed her in moderation. Or maybe because this is just who I am. I don't know.

Regardless of the title, this blog will be for me to have a place to reflect. There will be no theme. The only consistency will be whatever is consistent in my life at the time. I write for no audience in mind. I will follow the advice of the Reiki Master and, "Not censor [my]self". I will create this time capsule for me.


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