Despite my depressed state, I knew two things this morning. I needed my prescription filled and I needed fruit and yogurt because one of the most stable and consistent things in my life happens to be my diet.
I went to the pharmacy and made the usual walk down the card aisle and a card happened to catch my eye. This is perfect for HC. Right below it was yet another card. I grabbed both.
I dropped off my prescription refill and asked the pharmacist to please put the cards with my prescription. I'll be back in twenty.
I walked across the street over to the supermarket and of course fruit and yogurt turned into a $30 order. One item happened to be a case of 24, 24 oz. bottles of water for just $3.99. I was very thirsty and have a thing about tap water. Always have. I figured I'd manage.
I struggled across the lot and took a break before crossing the street to pick up the prescription. My card was declined and as it's three days before pay day, I was nervous about my debit card. I forgot about the cards and figured I'd make HC a card and I got my prescription.
To make a long story short, I was sad about the cards, sad about HC now keeping me at arm's length, and these groceries and awkward case of water (15 lbs. maybe more) are cutting off all circulation and I can't manage on my own.
I take 10 steps, stop, rest. Five steps, stop, readjust. Everything is slipping, the plastic handles are stretching. I can't hold the water with both arms like a baby because of the bags. I stop and put whatever will fit into my giant 'bag of death' as HC calls it, which is slung over my left shoulder. The pain, sadness, helplessness, and humidity is making me shaky.
I'm starting to drip sweat and my v-neck cotton tee is getting pulled down by the case of the water and I'm afraid I'm showing too much cleavage. I'm sopping wet, my eyes are welling up and to top it all off, I've passed over twenty people on the street who all just managed to stare at me blankly. Not to mention that I have a half-sleeve tattoo of a beautiful, very realistic angel on my right arm and I wonder, even though it's just a tattoo, why isn't it inspiring anyone to help me?
I make it through the crowds and stop to rest. I'm staring at the water and all logic was absent. The logical thing would have been to leave it. The thought never occurred to me. I'm choking back tears and rubbing my arms where large red dents have been engraved into my flesh and I want to kick that water so hard. A boy pops his head out of a pizzeria under construction.
"How much further you go to go?"
"A few blocks." I'm trying not to look at him. I'm trying not to cry.
"I'd gelp you, but I can't leave."
"It's ok. Thank you. You're the first one who offered." I said that last part in that first phase of crying. Where you know the waterworks are coming.
I managed a few more steps. I didn't want him to see me crying in front of his store. I stop and now I'm a mess. An oblivious mess.
"Oh sweetie, let me help you. Where are you going?"
There was a beautiful African American woman who looked my age picking up that God awful case of water and standing there looking at me.
"um, two blocks, um, 7th street." I'm retarded I tell you. I'm wiping at my eyes trying not to look at her. I'm tripping over my words. Trying not to cry is just making me cry worse. It's like when you're on the verge of tears and someone asks you what's wrong. All you can do is wave them away and give them that 'please don't ask or I will explode in a display of water works' look.
I regain a little composure. "Please don't take that. " I try to hand her the two bags instead.
"Nope, I got it. You rest."
We started to walk and I apologized to her and said I'm having a really bad day through a nervous, cry, laugh. She asked if I wanted to talk about it. So I told her about HC and.....just kidding. I said, "No, it's ok. That water just did me in."
"Yes it's quite awkward. So what's your name"
I continued to thank her the whole way which took only about five minutes. The whole walk from door to door should take ten. It had taken me 25 just to get to where Nocko found me. She told me that the grocery store will let me borrow a cart as long as I promise to bring it back.
I thanked her again at the door. She told me to have a good day with a smile.
I opened the bag from the pharmacy and HC's cards were in there. I guess that's stealing, but I really didn't know so I'll let that one slide with a smile. I'll help someone with something tomorrow to make up for it.