Sorry for this not being part two. I'm not pleased with how I wrote Part one probably because I never meant to write it. I just had to start at the beginning to get to my point. How I was shown a picture of Ms. Ugly at Pathetic's house and Ugly turned up in my dream two nights ago transformed from the 16 year old image of a phillippino I have hated since age 15 to a whole new 24 year old Ugly. I've been hating, loving, fighting, fearing the image of Ugly at 16. I was not pleased to hate the 24 year old version of her in my most recent dream. I don't mind hating her or anything. I'm just not pleased knowing what she looks like now. Not because she's very pretty or anything and I mean that. She's been obsessing over the same man for the past 11 years and and on her 18th birthday he finally came for her. (You see, he's in his late thirties.) She preached straight edge her whole life until (we'll call him pedophile) came along and that all got whisked under the rug. She dreamed of being an artist or musician (and she was damn talented). Now she's the live in girlfriend of a semi famous band frontman (yeah, you've heard of them goddamnit) and he has been putting off their marriage for the past three years! She seems to have lost all concept of individualism and she sucks even more except the fact that she's semi famous for being the shadow of someone semi-famous and everyone just loves her! Not me. I hate her. Get this, the name of her myspace account which I only glanced at because I would have looked a little crazy if I refused is "Ugly and Pedophile" (just with their real names.) I told you she lost all concept of individualism.
No, I'm not curious to look. Seriously. I haven't been to it. She's pretty though. Super skinny! Wanna know why? I'll tell you. She almost died from some weird intestinal thing and Pedophile even cut his European tour short to rush home to be by her side while FOUR feet of her intestines were removed. Hmmmm, I'd be pretty skinny too.
I realized something last night. Out of the four people who have hurt me most in this world, Ugly ranks number 3 and Pathetic comes in at number 4. This scale goes Worst to least, one to four. We don't talk about one and two. No. We don't. Except for the following guess.
One - Most likely in jail or dead
Two - Most likely dead
Three - Very ill for over a year, almost died, fiancee keeps putting off marriage, did nothing with life
Four - Near crippling back injury, cannot sit or stand for more than twenty minutes, no income to speak of, applying for third time for permanent disability, smokes pot and cigarettes and watches E! all day in hot pink flamingo pajamas.
Hmmmm.......can you say......Karma? I believe in Karma. I also believe I have paid my dues and am now good with the Man upstairs. Of course I have nothing to do with the above four outcomes. I didn't attack Pathetic with a blunt object. And of course I am also not implying that they have had or are having tough times because of little old me. If it sounds that way, I do not mean it to be. I just think it's a little coincidental is all. But they're toxic people so if such a thing exists as Karma or "What Goes Around Comes Around" they're being paid back for a whole lot more than just me.
I will write part two probably over the weekend. It's not that exciting. I thought I'd feel changed or relieved by seeing Patheitc. As dumb as it sounds, remember in Kill Bill II when Bud asked eye patch lady which 'R' she was feeling; regret or relief. Of course that doesn't apply to me but I feel neither. Want to know why? I think I had finally gotten over her. I don't care anymore. I can't even say we 'buried the hatchet' because I was so cool and collected and she was so pathetic. My intentions were never to go there and discuss the past. That would have been burying the hatchet. Yelling and screaming at her and telling her how she ruined my life and I hate her and she sucks and she's pathetic and she always was and I always knew she was a loser and would never amount to anything and I could go on and on.
But then......wait.....she didn't ruin my life? Ah ha! I thought she did. For six years I thought she did. But then I changed and my whole world changed and life starting looking good and to make an extremely long story short, I have become grateful for every single goddamn thing that has happened to me. I still hate, but not as much. I had no desire to yell at Pathetic. There was no need. I felt indifferent. It was over. I left there that day feeling an ounce of pity for her and then forgot about her nearly as soon as I got in the car. I know I looked fine, without talking much or bragging I gave just enough information to let her know I was doing great. I drove away proud of myself while she either lit up a bong or sat and thought, 'wow, Jess is doing really good. I'm a loser.' It doesn't matter and I'll never know.
I think I may have just finally closed a chapter that went on way too long.