Bad Ass Mood

I'm in a nasty, bitter, angry mood. I beat my 5k time today by 2:22. (Doug, thanks for the advice. You were right.) Work was fine. I did not exceed my daily food points. Overall it was a good day.

I've had about 8 cigarettes since January 1 and not one in the past three days and I'm really angry. I feel like crying but don't see the point. My mom just really pissed me off on the phone and she's only really pissed me off twice in the past several months so she seems to get all shocked and surprised when I speak my mind and try to explain to her why she pissed me off. (Usually she just does something stupid or says something really dumb but it hurts because I just really want her to understand.) So instead of listening, (something she never learned to do unless you were just sad and begged her to listen) she just kept repeating that she could tell what kind of mood I'm in and that she was just going to go take a xanax and go to bed; that now I'm the reason she has to take a xanax. I never yelled, never cried. Only tried to explain to her that she hasn't seen her son in almost a year and that inviting his stepfather to come with us when we go visit him in a few weeks was a shitty thing to do. (And I didn't even say the word shitty.)

I knew he wouldn't come. But that's not the point. She still just hasn't learned to put her kids first and fuck her husband if he has to sit home while we all meet up in Atlantic City for a few hours. She's overly considerate to him and there's no reason for it. But no, she wouldn't hear it.

"I can see that this is the kind of conversation that if you still lived at home, I'd have to call the police." Yeah, that's how low she goes. I speak my mind without yelling mind you and this is how low she goes. She did that to me before Christmas when I got upset and sad talking to her about the holidays and how she made me sad because she stopped caring about them.

I was an angry, violent, nasty little fuck of a kid. There is no evidence and not a trace of that terror in me now nor has there been for two years! I don't need these kind of low blows. I don't do that shit to her.

I can't smoke, I can't eat, I don't want to call Mike and cry to him because there's really no reason to cry other than the fact that I'm angry and sad and lonely and hurt by my past being thrown in my face everytime I try to speak my mind and I can't smoke can't smoke can't smoke. I just don't feel well and I wish it wasn't only Tuesday and in an hour I probably won't even remember any of this but I just wish I could smoke. But I won't.

How could she have possibly forgotten what I used to be like to confuse me telling her that she should have put (my bro) first and not invited my stepdad to AC with me threatening to kill her and pulling at my hair and foaming at the mouth. She really pissed me off. It's like she takes my friendship and patience for granted now and now I'm never allowed to get pissed at her.

This is all dumb. I have a headache. I can't leave my room or else I'm liable to start eating the banister or a piece of that homemade chocolate cake I know is in the kitchen or sifting through ashtrays. (Not that desperate. Totally kidding. If I do decide to smoke, I'll go buy some.) I know I can do this here in Philly alone. I'm petrified to be the only non smoker at the bar next weekend. Drink and not smoke? Is that even possible for a smoker? Smoking better get disgusting looking to me right quick. Did I forget to mention my Boyfriend is a heavy smoker?