Not Again

Boss is out for two days and I'm so happy to finally get all caught up. My office is pretty big and I feel like a little bug amidst a bunch of garbage. I thought I'd just take a break and take advantage of Carol gone for a little while. I can't be too much of a nerd.

I used to get these insane cravings for hobbies and pound my head against the wall if I didn't have this special talent or driving need to do or be good at something recreational. I would become obsessed with something and learn everything I possibly could about whatever hobby it was that month and then just let it die with a laundry list of excuses. Too expensive, don't live in Hawaii, too hard, need more space. Too expensive was the biggie though. Now I'm older and since living on my own, these hobbie urges have subsided. I guess once you move out on your own, you really truly do only what you feel like doing.

I don't feel that urge anymore. I can't remember the last time I felt bored. I've changed. I am no longer the girl who had anxiety attacks if in past dark on a Friday night, I am no longer the teenage girl who would drive around the same route for hours looking for something to do. I like to read, and collect recipes (#1 hobby!!!), I like to clean and fuck around with my face and nails, I like to cook and excercise. This is what I do. This is who I am. Mentally I know I am extremely complex but when it comes to living and routine, I'm pretty damn simple. I never thought I'd say it. I don't think this is permanent. I'm comfortable for the first time in my life and I'm not crazy or scared or ....anything. I'm happy and comfortable and that's not boring. I think it's just right for me.

Back to hobbies, I find now that the trick is for me to treat something like a job. For example, eating right, excercising, and saving money are my other jobs. I am responsible for those three things and it has sunk in enough that I don't have to think, I just do.

Writing is hiring me once I move in June. I'm fed up not fulfilling my dreams or even attempting to. Becoming an author is my only hope at not dying this way. I can't imagine one other thing I could possibly be known for. Yes, I want to be known for something when I die and no, known for being a good person is not good enough. I look back on the past year and a hlaf and it's been AMAZING! The amount of positive changes I have made cannot be counted on four hands. I can't wait to see how much further I'll go this summer and next year.

I still want some cool hobbies though. ;-) I know what they are, just too expensive. Damnit!